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Poetry by nightshade-keyblade

Literature by StormBringer23


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December 1, 2013
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Heaven,

this is not a love letter
I will swear to God, 
with a halo on my head
and a hole in my heart. 

But the fact is I revere you 
more than I have any right to.
After all, we are nothing except
well-acquainted strangers 
who have awkward conversations.

So why is it that every time the line
falls silent I panic, worrying that your shadow
will make my efforts nothing but a distant memory,
when every word you speak strongly marks my mind?

Simple: I fear having something to lose 
and losing the nothing I have. You are  
treasure to me, and this note becomes my confession.

    Sincerely- I typed this, but I'm sure you'll recognize the handwriting.
A remarkable act of cowardice. I always encourage people to be honest about their relationships, but am I gonna spill my guts to him? Not a chance. 

The point is, infatuation is essentially worship and we've all had our idols.


So I randomly decided to join the December Form Challenge to get me off of my rapidly expanding behind and back into the world of fixed-form poetry. (Believe it or not, I used to write exclusively in fixed form! :omg:) Today's form is the Epistle. :la: 

Add a Comment:
 
:iconfarand:
I like this!

Stanza i makes me think that the halo around your head is the piece of muscle missing from your heart. A vivid metaphor.

Stanzas ii and iii are an outpouring of grief caused by a strange paradox which you depict very well: wanting this person in your life while believing that you don't deserve them (does this make you selfish, or does it make you a victim? or both?).

Stanza iv is a nice summary of the two preceding stanzas, an anxious acceptance - acceptance of your inferiority, of your inability to resolve the paradox, of what will happen if you do get this person in your life, who knows?

(By the way, I inserted a sort of mental sigh between stanzas iii and iv - between the outpouring of grief and the acceptance of it, which was quite refreshing).

That's how I read your poem. I'm unable to tell you how you can improve literary; it's enough for me that you've written a poem that says much while remaining just translucent enough for the reader to make up his/her own mind.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconsupergirlswag:
SuperGirlSwag Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
this is seriously awesome!!! Like hello, it's a  freakin' perfection ... it speaks so loudly to me..wow!!! Bravo!!!! 
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:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013
:stare: :heart:
Reply
:iconghearradh:
ghearradh Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2013
gahh, you just perfectly illustrated everything i'm feeling right now.
Reply
:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2013
Aww, thank you hon. I hope you're handling it better than me! 
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:iconbunocerous:
bunocerous Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Woah. I would swoon if someone wrote that for me. That is really really good.
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:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2013
I've never swooned before, but I think I probably would too. Lol. Thank you so much.
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:icon13th-zodiak:
13th-ZodiaK Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2013  Student General Artist
*KEELS OVER SCREAMING*

YES, YES, THIS, THIS THING RIGHT HERE, YES, THAT IS IT, THIS IS IT.

HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
HOW DO YOU WRITE SOMETHING THAT IS PERFECT FOR YOU, SOMETHING THAT EXPRESSES YOU THAT ALSO EXPRESSES ME, AND HER, AND HIM, AND THEM, AND EVERYONE ELSE?
HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

OFFICIALLY, THE MOST PERFECT THING YOU'VE WRITTEN.
Reply
:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2013
NO! *WAILS OVER YOUR CORPSE* THIS WASN'T MEANT TO HAPPEN!

This really excites me though, I actually managed to express a common feeling? Lol. 

Whoa, that is quite the compliment. Thank you so much Dashie!
Reply
:icon13th-zodiak:
13th-ZodiaK Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2013  Student General Artist
*awakens from death to sing a ten-minute opera solo of your praises*

You're very welcome, Hyper :iconbowplz: Keep doing what you do :thumbsup:
Reply
:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2013
You have such a lovely voice. *tears up*

I certainly will, you are a key motivator of mine.
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:icon13th-zodiak:
13th-ZodiaK Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2013  Student General Artist
*dabs at tears with a lace handkerchief*

I'm touched.
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:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2013
*grabs hankie and pokes you*

Now you're touched. :D
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:icon13th-zodiak:
13th-ZodiaK Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Student General Artist
*pokes you back*

And now you're it.
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:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2013
Dammit. I was not expecting that. :paranoid:
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconcerealnovels:
cerealnovels Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2013
So why is it that every time the line
falls silent I panic, worrying that your shadow
will make my efforts nothing but a distant memory,
when every word you speak strongly marks my mind?

These lines really speak to me.  Very nicely done!
Reply
:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2013
Aww, yeah those are the butterflies...

Thank you so much!
Reply
:iconeremitik:
Eremitik Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2013
One of the hardest things in a relationship is being honest about our feelings- it leaves us feeling vulnerable, insecure, embarrassed, angry, scared- taking that step however can have wondrous results-
Reply
:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2013
You have this way of putting things, lol. I couldn't have said it better myself. Still shaking in the boots about it, though.  
Reply
:iconeremitik:
Eremitik Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2013
lol, thank you. My way, at least in this case, was purely truthful and based on experience.

If you decide to reveal your feelings, take a deep breath, say a little prayer for strength, exhale and go for it!
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:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2013
You're welcome. Oh, that makes sense.

That's what my mom said, LOL. Thanks for the advice.
Reply
:iconeremitik:
Eremitik Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2013
lol- your mom and dad sound like kick ass people.  And not because we think alike, lol. Good parental advice is pretty standard- :shrug:
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:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2013
Pfft, lol. They already think they're cool without other people telling 'em so. :XD: 
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:iconeremitik:
Eremitik Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2013
"pfft" ? lol

I could so totally picture you making that noise. And as a parent, you need to think you're cool because few others do. ;)
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:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2013
That's probably a good thing, because I do it a lot. 

Parents giving parents a nod... I guess I never really thought about it before, but it can't be fun to wake up one day and no one thinks you're cool anymore. :lol:
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconaerode:
Aerode Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I love the 'Simple: I fear having something to lose 
and losing the nothing I have.'

Marvelous as always. :clap:
Reply
:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2013
:bow: Thank you so much! 


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:iconaerode:
Aerode Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It's my pleasure!
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:iconj-jinx-ann:
J-Jinx-Ann Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Very beautiful
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:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2013
Thank you. ^_^
Reply
:iconrainiila:
Rainiila Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
That's actually rather sweet!
Did you give it to him? 
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:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2013
Thank you. ^_^
Pfft, no. Lol. I don't think I ever will...too scared he would figure me out.
Reply
:iconrainiila:
Rainiila Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You totally should! It's sweet!
And think about this, if he recognises you, then that means he pays attention to you, and thinks about you… ;)


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:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2013
Darn. :D Now I'm tempted...
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:iconrainiila:
Rainiila Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
xD
You totally should, though

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:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2013
Maybe. No promises, lol.
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:iconrainiila:
Rainiila Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
xD
Good luck!
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:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2013
Thanks!
Reply
:iconkiwi-damnation:
kiwi-damnation Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2013   Writer
Really well written :heart: Welcome to DFC, we're happy to have you.
Reply
:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2013
Thank you. :heart: I'm glad to be a part of it. 
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:iconkiwi-damnation:
kiwi-damnation Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2013   Writer
:) Glad to hear it :).
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:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2013
^_^
Reply
:icondaghrgenzeen:
Daghrgenzeen Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:omg::rose:
Reply
:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2013
:iconohuplz::heart:
Reply
:icondaghrgenzeen:
Daghrgenzeen Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:giggle:
Reply
:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2013
:XD:
Reply
:icondaghrgenzeen:
Daghrgenzeen Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
x) Here we go again!
Reply
:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2013
:turbopoke: You know it! :evillaugh:
Reply
:icondaghrgenzeen:
Daghrgenzeen Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hahaha!
Reply
:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2013
:ninja: You laugh, but the emote battles continue. :XD:
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(1 Reply)
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