Shop More Submit  Join Login
×

:iconhypermagical: More from hypermagical


Featured in Collections

Poetry by nightshade-keyblade

Literature by StormBringer23


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
December 1, 2013
Submitted with
Sta.sh Writer
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
471 (1 today)
Favourites
31 (who?)
Comments
77
×
Heaven,

this is not a love letter
I will swear to God, 
with a halo on my head
and a hole in my heart. 

But the fact is I revere you 
more than I have any right to.
After all, we are nothing except
well-acquainted strangers 
who have awkward conversations.

So why is it that every time the line
falls silent I panic, worrying that your shadow
will make my efforts nothing but a distant memory,
when every word you speak strongly marks my mind?

Simple: I fear having something to lose 
and losing the nothing I have. You are  
treasure to me, and this note becomes my confession.

    Sincerely- I typed this, but I'm sure you'll recognize the handwriting.
A remarkable act of cowardice. I always encourage people to be honest about their relationships, but am I gonna spill my guts to him? Not a chance. 

The point is, infatuation is essentially worship and we've all had our idols.


So I randomly decided to join the December Form Challenge to get me off of my rapidly expanding behind and back into the world of fixed-form poetry. (Believe it or not, I used to write exclusively in fixed form! :omg:) Today's form is the Epistle. :la: 

Add a Comment:
 
:iconfarand:
I like this!

Stanza i makes me think that the halo around your head is the piece of muscle missing from your heart. A vivid metaphor.

Stanzas ii and iii are an outpouring of grief caused by a strange paradox which you depict very well: wanting this person in your life while believing that you don't deserve them (does this make you selfish, or does it make you a victim? or both?).

Stanza iv is a nice summary of the two preceding stanzas, an anxious acceptance - acceptance of your inferiority, of your inability to resolve the paradox, of what will happen if you do get this person in your life, who knows?

(By the way, I inserted a sort of mental sigh between stanzas iii and iv - between the outpouring of grief and the acceptance of it, which was quite refreshing).

That's how I read your poem. I'm unable to tell you how you can improve literary; it's enough for me that you've written a poem that says much while remaining just translucent enough for the reader to make up his/her own mind.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconsupergirlswag:
SuperGirlSwag Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
this is seriously awesome!!! Like hello, it's a  freakin' perfection ... it speaks so loudly to me..wow!!! Bravo!!!! 
Reply
:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013
:stare: :heart:
Reply
:iconghearradh:
ghearradh Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2013
gahh, you just perfectly illustrated everything i'm feeling right now.
Reply
:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2013
Aww, thank you hon. I hope you're handling it better than me! 
Reply
:iconbunocerous:
bunocerous Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Woah. I would swoon if someone wrote that for me. That is really really good.
Reply
:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2013
I've never swooned before, but I think I probably would too. Lol. Thank you so much.
Reply
:icon13th-zodiak:
13th-ZodiaK Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
*KEELS OVER SCREAMING*

YES, YES, THIS, THIS THING RIGHT HERE, YES, THAT IS IT, THIS IS IT.

HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
HOW DO YOU WRITE SOMETHING THAT IS PERFECT FOR YOU, SOMETHING THAT EXPRESSES YOU THAT ALSO EXPRESSES ME, AND HER, AND HIM, AND THEM, AND EVERYONE ELSE?
HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

OFFICIALLY, THE MOST PERFECT THING YOU'VE WRITTEN.
Reply
:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2013
NO! *WAILS OVER YOUR CORPSE* THIS WASN'T MEANT TO HAPPEN!

This really excites me though, I actually managed to express a common feeling? Lol. 

Whoa, that is quite the compliment. Thank you so much Dashie!
Reply
:icon13th-zodiak:
13th-ZodiaK Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
*awakens from death to sing a ten-minute opera solo of your praises*

You're very welcome, Hyper :iconbowplz: Keep doing what you do :thumbsup:
Reply
:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2013
You have such a lovely voice. *tears up*

I certainly will, you are a key motivator of mine.
Reply
Add a Comment: